Reflections...

Well, this happens to be my first attempt at writing a blog. Not exactly. I 'have attempted before. But failed miserably. This time I shall try to make this a sustained effort. Hope I can continue writing for a considerable time.

Let me try to introduce myself. It is really not an easy job for me to do it. Not that I have great achievements to talk about, achievements that cannot be written in a blog, but something else. It is the fact that I really do not know what I am. Did I say 'what'? Shouldn't it be 'who'? Doesn't matter. I am confused all the same.

I was born one fine night in a place now called tambaram, a suburb of what is now chennai. The place really does not matter. Or does it? Has it got do to with what I am today? Probably yes. But I am not sure of that. For sometime after my birth, I dont know what happened. I don't know if I existed. Then I was suddenly born. Was it sudden? I dont know. Maybe the undifferentiated period before my second birth prepared me for that. I started to know that I existed. Or atleast looking back, I can see only from the point. Before that, I really do not know what happened. Is it because I do not remember what happened? Or is it because the concept of remembering is not applicable for those times? I don't know. My thought says that "I", this complex organism, which has no dearth of identities, was born after growing in the womb of my mother to begin with and then for some more time the womb of my other mother, prakrti. My mother made my physical self. Prakrti, of which my mother is of course a part, made this "I". Ishvara had descended into prakrti. I started identifying myself.

The farthest I can go behind shows me as a very obstinate boy, petted by parents and grandparents alike. I should have been good at studies at that time. But I confess, that I really do not remember. I do remember how I had to stand as a chair in a maths class when I was in second standard. I dont remember now what that was for. The reason could have been academic or non-academic. These were the days when I was in chennai and then in pondicherry. My memories of these days are at best described as vague.

Then I went to a place called gobichettipalayam, usually referred to by its shorter name, gobi. This is probably where my identity started growing into some shape. I remember vividly (maybe) of what I was during those days. Believe me, I really did play then. I used to play a lot of cricket. And I was crazy about WWF for sometime (used to have a lot of cards which I exchanged with my friends). I also developed, at this juncture, a pride about my academic capabilitites. I had stood first in my class beating a girl who had always stood first. This was in my fifth standard. This is probably the time when I developed my tamil identity. But its vague again. When I completed my seventh standard, I was ready to move to a place close to my birthplace. I was back in chennai. Lots of things had happened in gobi before I moved. The girl that I beat at school had left the school and I remained the sole 1st in my class for sometime. Then in my seventh grade, another girl had already moved in to take my place. Time has its own games. How cruel of it to make one believe that he is the greatest in the world and then burn it all by showing another that is better?

Now, I move back to chennai. But I dont stay with my parents now. This time, I join a school that is closer to my grand parent's place. And so, my parents decide that I would stay with my grand parents. My grand parents resided in chromepet then. Well not exactly. Then lived in many places in and around chromepet. But chromepet is how I refer to the place they live, always. Probably chromepet has become synonymous with my grandparents place. Here, I stayed on till my 10th standard. However, my father had gotten yet another transfer. This time, to bombay. No, it's Mumbai isn't it? How strange, there seems to be a lot in a name. Everyone seems to think so.

In mumbai, were the foundations laid for what would be my home for four years in my life. Yes, I came to know of something called IIT. I had heard its name before in chennai, when my sister was studying for it. But didnt really know what that was for. believe me, I didnt understand the word "engineering" then. When I was in Mumbai, my whole class was preparing for JEE. Every second person of my age that I met asked me which class I attended. My father was no stranger to IIT. People at his office asked him about where he would put me for preparing. He had learnt about it when my sister was preparing too. But that was in chennai where there aren't as many institutions as there are in Mumbai.

Finally the day came. My father asked me if I wanted to join coaching for JEE. I had always marvelled at Mumbai for a reason. That was the place where I learnt that even people who are bright at studies attend tuitions outside their schools. Till then I had always learnt that tuitions were for students that didn't study well at school. Mumbai was a place were every student attends a tuition for 12th and the tuitions on their part chose only bright students to coach. Howver, everyone did find a coaching class for himself or herself.

My father gave me two options. Either join a coaching class for JEE or join a tution for 12th. The second was unthinkable for me. I loathed the idea of a tuition. I had always considered myself as a bright student. So, I took the first option. And I finally cleared JEE. And I joined IITM.

IITM is probably one of those places that has made me what I am today. I still did not know what engineering meant. I had gotten merely on the maths and physics that I learnt at my coaching class. Engineering was a whole new experince for me. And I didnt quite enjoy it. Or did I? Actually, I never know what a budding engineer would feel like. I never studied for engineering at the college. So, I cannot say my "engineering life" was not enjoyable. I didnt have such a life at all. I was blessed with some of the very good people that I had met till then as friends. Or probably, I had not really met many people and moved closely with them. And the one thing that I really enjoyed about IITM was its library. This is where I actually started reading books with vague sounding titles, most of which seldom were engineering related.

The four years at IITM went by in a giffy. The best memories that I have of it are the ice teas, cold coffees, the maggi noodles at gurunath pattisserie, the midnight noodles at SAC, the movies that I saw with my friends and of course the time I spent in Mani's room with not less than six people inside it at any time.

My stay in IITM had completely turned me off from engineering. I was now interested in almost everything under sun except those that I wish I should have shown interest. Some of the most important people in my life have really felt bad about this turn of interests. But I really cannot explain. I did not like to study anymore. Not that I did not app or write CAT. But I really was not interested. I decided to join CTS. This in short are some of the events that have happened in my life.

Now, the big question. Who am I? I can just about pull out atleast 10 to 15 words that describe what I am. I am a hindu. An iyer. A tamil. An indian and so on. But on second thoughts I find most of these pretty hollow. Ok. I am a human being. But that sound very very general and I do not really wish to be clubbed in the company of the likes of the booker prize winning madame for that. Most of those that I had cherished as me, that which I thought really defined me have fallen apart. I have outgrown, or atleast I seem to have outgrown, all these identities that had for sometime possessed me. I dont see my source nor do I understand my destination. But I find myself pretty clearly placed where I am. Is this an extreme case of tamas or is this sattva? I dont know. Who knows? Not my friends. Not my parents. Not anyone here that I have met. All are to different extents caught up in similar situations, or so I think. I am in lookout for someone who knows. Is there an all knower that can quench my thirst? Is he really an all-knower? Will I get to meet him? Let me see.